I need to write more...

Just need to sort out the words in my head and turn them into something coherent.

HAHHAHAHAHAHHSAHAHHAHHAHA!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Oh well... it was a thought.

*sigh*

I wish I had words to show you the images in my mind.

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me

"Peering deeply into her eyes, he searches for a sign... a green light. He leans forward. She half closes her eyes and lifts her chin ever so slightly. They stand still... time stops... barely a movement, a breath... they can feel the warmth of each others lips... they can feel the desire... the moment that is just a second away... an eternity...

Their lips meet. Gently at first, their kiss is more of a caress. He wraps his arms tightly around her and envelops her. Passion takes over, mouths open hungrily, lips are pressed harder, almost frantically, tongues meet, murmurs and sighs are heard. Pure bliss."

Sound enticing? Would you like to be one of those people, sharing this kiss?

What if I walked up to you and offered to smother you in a bear hug, blow in your face, snort in your ears and drool in your mouth? Would that sound enticing?

No?

Don't blame you. I don't find it the least bit enticing either. In fact, it's totally repulsive. The first proposition does sound enticing to me... problem is, I can't enjoy the first proposition because to me it feels like the latter!

If you're neurotypical, kissing is great! But to me, kissing is a source of sheer terror and revulsion! I'm an Aspie with Sensory Integration Dysfunction, a disorder that affects most autistic people I believe.

I sense the same basic things that a neurotypical person does but my brain processes it differently so what should be a pleasant and sensual experience turns into a nightmare. As I am being kissed by the man I love, I can't let go and feel good in his embrace. My senses are screaming at me! I can't shut any of it out. I can't force the thought of him drooling in my mouth to the back of my mind and focus on what is an intimate act of love. I can't help but feel like I am being smothered... I can't breathe... I can't ignore the texture of his tongue, the taste of his saliva.

I see the actors on the screen, sharing fantastic, passionate kisses and I wish I could have that. I see men with full sensual mouths and I think it would probably be so lovely to kiss them. I used to torment myself when I was younger... thinking I was a sick person for being unable to enjoy kissing. Now that I know why, now that I am older and making peace with certain realities, I can accept with a certain degree of serenity that there are things that I may never be able to do. Simple things that most people do without thinking about them.

Could I try harder? Could I train myself to ignore the repulsive and embrace the pleasant? Can a dolphin be trained to walk on dry land?

A bit about Sébastien

I wrote this in my blog some time ago, over a year ago actually, but it is still relevant, and is more than fit to go here. So here it is...

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My son is autistic. Mildly mind you, but still... He's often in his own mind, makes little (sometimes louder) noises and sounds when he is happy. Although he has made huge progress with his speech, which we are very proud of him for, at 11 years old he still shows signs of difficulty with his phrase structure. He would rather play alone than with another child. He is autistic. But worry not, he is a generally happy little person, and gets lots of love from his parents and sister, which is probably the main reason why he is doing well and show constant signs of progress.

One other common characteristic among autistic children is either hyper-sensitivity, or hypo-sensitivity. His is hyper-sensitivity. Today, he seems to have certain control over most of them, most of the time (but not always), except for the sens of taste. For example, yesterday at school, they had a gym class outside in the snow. They made them do all sorts of exercises I guess, one of which was made them crawl in the snow. Afterwards, he was all wet because of the snow, and he could not stand it. He was frustrated about it. They did not tell us if he cried, but I would not be surprised if he did.

But autistic children also have strengths, most often shown by signs of high intelligence in certain domains. For instance, some are very good in mathematics, some have very good memories (remember the movie "Rainman"?), some have strong spacial perception, and others might be very good at puzzle solving (remember the movie "Mercury Rising"?). Often they will have a combination of many of these abilities. Seb is very good in drawing. Not that he draws realistically, but he's good at reproducing the "emotions" in his drawings. You know what a character is feeling by looking at the drawing, and he does that very easily. He also has a strong spacial perception, and that shows in his art too. He's been drawing in 3D since he was 2 years old!!! He understood that principle long ago. He also has a very "musical" ear. He can easily repeat, by singing the notes, a song or a melody he heard. Sometimes he only heard it once. And some of those melodies are very complex (I know that because I am very much into music myself), but that seem to be no problem for him. They have strenghts, but commonly have the same weaknesses also, like difficulty with the language, and with social skills for instance, which my son has.

So that's our Sébastien (on the right in the picture obviously, my daughter Ophélie on the left, who is autistic also, and my wife Annie in the middle). I will not lie to you and say that everything is easy. Because it is not, even if they are "just" mildly autistic. And the "not so easy" part is not just about them, it's about the system. Actually, I'd say it's MORE about the system. The things we constantly have to fight for, even if it's for services they are allowed to get. The things we always have to explain to people at school who don't always "get it". Some members of the extended family who had or still has trouble accepting them, and still doesn't give a care about them (or don't show it anyway). Etc etc... Fortunately me and my wife still love each other very much, thus we are still together (parents in similar situations are often torn apart by all the difficulties). It makes things better, easier for the kids. I've always thought that these two little souls were given to us for that reason.

Seb, Ophie, Annie... I love you! (OK, everyone say: "awwwww")... ;-)

Routine, routine, routine, rinse, repeat, routine.

Routine. Did you get that? R-O-U-T-I-N-E In an autistic person's life, routine is what keeps you sane. It's what keeps you connected. It saves your life. This is specially true of autistic children. In a world that often makes no sense to them at all because it is so damned unpredictable, routine is the one thing they can rely on.

Every night for many years now, the children's bedtime routine has been the same.

7:55pm Meds
8:00pm Ophelie goes up to wash, brush her teeth, get ready for bed.
8:30pm Sebastien goes up to do the same.
8:40ish Ophelie calls Vin to come upstairs. Together, they read stories, talk about the day, play with her plush animals... it's their special time.
8:55ish Sebastien comes downstairs and asks me if I want to come and lay down with him. I say yes. If I feel like teasing him, I say no; he then grins and demands I stop joking! We go up, he gets something to cuddle and we lay down in my bed face to face holding hands with no light except the blue bulb bathing the room in a soft relaxing glow. He has to have the blanket up to his chin. He has to hold my hands a certain way. The blue light has to be on... no other light.
9:10ish Seb and I get up and he goes to lay down in his own bed. He lays facing the wall, holding the soft toy he's had since birth, Toutou La Souris, and these days he also holds Eve from the movie Wall-E. He puts his Spongebob cushion over his head, pulls the covers up to his nose, I lean over him, pull the cushion away and kiss him, wish him good night and I walk away, closing the door behind me.

If for any reason this routine can't be observed, the kids get anxious. Sometimes, they get very anxious... those nights are hard and the kids wake up cranky the next day.

I sometimes wonder if Seb, at thirteen, is too old to be laying in his parents' bed with his mum, holding hands... but it's a tender moment... a daily moment of physical closeness and physical closeness is a major issue with autistic people so surely there can't be anything but good coming out of a daily moment of physical closeness. Through this simple act, I am teaching my son that it is good to touch another human being, that it is good to let another human being touch you. This may seem quite obvious to the uneducated (about Autism) neurotypical reader but to Auties and people who know us, it's an accomplishment!

I think I'll just let Seb decide when he's too old for this...

All good things come to an end...

...but first they have to have a beginning!

I admit it's an odd way to start a blog... but I AM odd!

I think the way I will post in this blog is by categories... the ones at the top... posts will be about Me, My Children, Art and Autism... those labels might change or new ones may get added. I think Life would be a good label.

I don't intend for this to be an intimate window into my soul, I have a Live Journal for that and I keep all the entries locked so that only my friends can see them. This blog will be about daily life, education, learning, showing off creations, sharing about life in a household where 3 of the 4 occupants are autistic.

There will be a website... as soon as I figure out how to use Dreamweaver or give up and buy a Mac Mobile Me account and use their ready made templates!

I welcome you here, I invite you to bookmark, subscribe, post comments, etc!