Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me

"Peering deeply into her eyes, he searches for a sign... a green light. He leans forward. She half closes her eyes and lifts her chin ever so slightly. They stand still... time stops... barely a movement, a breath... they can feel the warmth of each others lips... they can feel the desire... the moment that is just a second away... an eternity...

Their lips meet. Gently at first, their kiss is more of a caress. He wraps his arms tightly around her and envelops her. Passion takes over, mouths open hungrily, lips are pressed harder, almost frantically, tongues meet, murmurs and sighs are heard. Pure bliss."

Sound enticing? Would you like to be one of those people, sharing this kiss?

What if I walked up to you and offered to smother you in a bear hug, blow in your face, snort in your ears and drool in your mouth? Would that sound enticing?

No?

Don't blame you. I don't find it the least bit enticing either. In fact, it's totally repulsive. The first proposition does sound enticing to me... problem is, I can't enjoy the first proposition because to me it feels like the latter!

If you're neurotypical, kissing is great! But to me, kissing is a source of sheer terror and revulsion! I'm an Aspie with Sensory Integration Dysfunction, a disorder that affects most autistic people I believe.

I sense the same basic things that a neurotypical person does but my brain processes it differently so what should be a pleasant and sensual experience turns into a nightmare. As I am being kissed by the man I love, I can't let go and feel good in his embrace. My senses are screaming at me! I can't shut any of it out. I can't force the thought of him drooling in my mouth to the back of my mind and focus on what is an intimate act of love. I can't help but feel like I am being smothered... I can't breathe... I can't ignore the texture of his tongue, the taste of his saliva.

I see the actors on the screen, sharing fantastic, passionate kisses and I wish I could have that. I see men with full sensual mouths and I think it would probably be so lovely to kiss them. I used to torment myself when I was younger... thinking I was a sick person for being unable to enjoy kissing. Now that I know why, now that I am older and making peace with certain realities, I can accept with a certain degree of serenity that there are things that I may never be able to do. Simple things that most people do without thinking about them.

Could I try harder? Could I train myself to ignore the repulsive and embrace the pleasant? Can a dolphin be trained to walk on dry land?